Types of inner child wounds

There are many ways (unfortunately) our childhood may have hurt or failed us. We may not have had what we needed, or may have been hurt by the words or actions of our parents or caregivers (or peers, community, or environment).

Our inner child carries these wounds into adulthood, but they don’t have to have a permanent effect on our lives. In order to move forward and heal, understanding what wounds our inner child is carrying is the first step to understanding how to begin healing.

Here are some of the most common ways our inner child might have been hurt:

Types of inner child wounds

• Neglect. Being ignored, disregarded, or not cared for properly is one of the most insidious forms of harm. When we are overlooked, dismissed, or not cared for as we needed to be, we may experience feelings of isolation or loneliness, put all our effort into caring for others, struggle to assert ourselves, feel unworthy of attention or taking up space, or find it difficult to care for ourselves or recognize our own needs.

• Lack of safety. When we grow up in an environment where we were scared or unsafe, our nervous system never truly gets to feel settled or secure. It may be hard to trust others or to tolerate difficult emotions, and we may experience hypervigilance, emptiness, and discomfort or even intolerance of stability.

• Unkind words. Whether it was a lack of feedback altogether, backhanded compliments, humiliation, or overt criticism or shame, if you were not spoken to kindly in childhood, you may have learned to speak to yourself unkindly. This might show up in adulthood as a harsh inner critic, feeling inadequate, having a hard time accepting compliments, focusing on your flaws, or struggling to find self-compassion or self-confidence.

• High or unrealistic expectations. If we never felt we were good enough just as we were, we might learn to compare ourselves to others, internalize high expectations of ourselves, feel the need to be perfect, have a hard time speaking up, fear failure, experience impostor syndrome, self-doubt, low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, or a disproportionate need for external validation or feedback.

• Abandonment. If we were physically or emotionally abandoned by our caregivers in childhood, we might have a difficult time trusting others, feel unworthy, or experience anxiety or limerence (hyperfixation on a partner or potential partner) in relationships.

• Lack of affection or attention. If we did not receive care and affection – hugs, gentle words, connection – from our families, we may have a hard time connecting with ourselves or others, experience feelings of disconnection, or have trouble asking for what we need.

• Focus on achievement or productivity. Focusing on what children do, rather than who they are, puts a premium on being productive or on accomplishments, rather than enjoyment, rest, and simply being in the world. It can be hard to slow down, play, or feel like anything you do is enough.

• Lack of agency. If our opinions and wants were not respected or heard, we may have learned our needs or desires were not valid, or what we feel or believe is not important or worthy. It might be hard to stand up for ourselves, we might prioritize the needs of others, or always seek feedback before making a decision.

As you uncover which wounds were specific to your childhood, you can better understand what parts of your inner child need attention and care. Though we should have had our caregivers provide attention, love, and safety for us, we can heal these wounds in adulthood by reparenting ourselves and tending to them with the care, attention, and kindness we needed.